Forget Scented Candles, Here’s How to Really Succeed in an Open House

VZGLYAD: In our open house, well, 15 minutes before opening, my son added the finishing touch.
For several days I tried to make our house look like a home family, and finally, a real family came out the door: children fight, adults boil, dogs are happy.
Outside, an agent pulled up in his flash car, and inside I was terrified: halfway to the living room, someone wrote “Josh” on the carpet in large, fuzzy letters.
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“What’s the secret to a successful open-plan home?” A sluggish market story was set a few weeks ago.
The agent’s advice is exactly what you’d expect: take your time, clean up, light a scented candle: all reasonable advice masks hellish process at its most unreasonable.
Luckily, it’s been years since I’ve had to live with it, but here’s some more practical advice for those who are currently into it.
hide all. Put it in the car if needed. If it’s too dirty to fit in the car – like a dog bed or a baby bean bag – put it in the washing machine. If the car is full (of course it is), hide things under the sofa.
Lay out an important piece of paper on the mat where your child writes. The cat will now sit on it and no one will doubt anything.
Leave the children’s bedroom door open so that no one notices that there is no handle inside the door. Write “Don’t joke” on cardboard and put it in the refrigerator.
Get your dog in the car. Get the kids in the car. Do you have a neighbor who tends to do weird things in his backyard and looks like he’s about to do it again? They get into the car.
Find two identical towels. These are homemade towels with an open end, and woe to the one who uses them. Hang one off the shelf and gently roll the other next to the sink.
Hang the Open Home kitchen towel on the oven door. Lay the Open Home welcome mat outside. Place Open Home wipes in an unused dispenser.
Turn all plants over so people can’t see the “My Name” sticker on the pot. In fact, remove half of the plants because you look pissed off with so many plants. Put them in the car.
Furnish your home like it’s waiting for someone other than you. Place a bottle of wine and your only two glasses on an outdoor wrought-iron table. Don’t have a wrought iron dining table? Put them next to the bathroom. No, it looks vulgar. Throw away your glasses and leave the bottle in the car.
Throw all your clothes on the bed, spread out the covers, and clean out the closet. Push another cat off the pillow with a broom and remind yourself to warn the agent that he will bite.
Clean everything on the kitchen table except the teapot, two cups, and a bowl of blue lemons. Place the broken soda and the empty block of knives into the oven.
Remove all signs that you live here. Clean up everything on the floor under the baby bed. Dig up a rancid lunchbox and throw it back.
Put an art book you’ve never read on your coffee table. Flip because someone wrote “Josh” on the cover.